Resting

I’ve had a bit of a break from all social media for a week. Sometimes when my depression and anxiety get really bad, I find that social media exacerbates both conditions. 

I think it’s something to do with seeing everyone else’s lives continuing while mine is frozen, or sometimes their (and I’m not proud of this), seemingly petty or small problems they complain about. 

All the negativity, it just gets overwhelming and I can’t bear to look at it anymore

Last week was one of those occasions. I have been under a lot of financial stress with being on long term sick. It felt like my life was falling apart and I was like a robot that short-circuited and came to a standstill; my brain still ticking over, but unable to think clearly or solve any of my problems,and not in the least bit able to reach out and ask anyone for help. 

I think I have managed to solve things and it has meant making an enormous decision. I will need to be stronger than ever and push myself harder than ever. 

I have been reminded, however of something that, maybe I need to keep in mind at all times; I am not alone. 

I was never alone. I don’t have to face everything and cope with everything on my own. 

I have friends, I have family, I have friends who I consider family, and they are rooting for me and supporting me all the time. 

Even when my ill mind tells me they don’t care. Even when I don’t hear from them and my ill mind tells me no one is thinking about me. They are. 

Anxiety and depression both distort the way you view what people say, people’s actions, what people don’t say or do. They twist everything into a negative, self-bullying mess. 

I need to remember that it is not real. The negative distortion is not how people genuinely percieve me or interact with me. The thoughts that anxiety and depression put in my head are not people’s genuine opinions of me and are not what people are thinking. 

Living alone with depression and anxiety is hard. It’s all too easy to become isolated and to become consumed with the negativity in your head. 

Reaching out to people and asking for help is hard for anyone. Reaching out and asking for help as a person who has anxiety and depression is nigh on impossible. 

I would like to thank all of my supporters. My friends, family, followers on various forms of social media. Thank you for sticking with me, encouraging me, thinking of me and most importantly just for checking in with me and asking how I am doing. 

Recovery is a long process and I have a huge step to take, in front of me (I’ll tell you about that later), but I am sure I can get through this with your support. 

Thank you for reading

Love love love

The Faraway Girl 💜

Advertisements

Hermit had Fun! 

I had the best day yesterday. My body aches weren’t as bad, and despite my anxiety hammering away because I was daring the leave my hermit cave,I was excited to be leaving the house. 

I put on my gorgeous vintage, original 1970s maxi dress with the flared sleeves 😍💜 It makes me feel so pretty and it’s so feminine and flattering. 

It was exactly what I needed, since my my pain medication has made me put on a lot of weight. 

I have been a size 8 dress size my whole life, but since taking my pain medication I have gone up to a size 14. 

My boobs look fantastic 😂, but my stomach, not so much. 

It would be ok if I actually had hips, but because I don’t, I feel kind of like a blob. 

I know I’m not huge, but depression and anxiety affect the way I see myself. So at present I see a giant blob with a hag face when I look in the mirror. 

Yesterday in my beautiful dress and my hair and make up done, I didn’t see a blob with a hag face. I saw ME! For the first time in months it was ME looking back in the mirror and it felt so good. 

My friend and extremely supportive boss came to pick me up early afternoon and we drove around the corner to one of my favourite coffee places Penshaw Tea Rooms 

I am so lucky to live where I do. I live on an old estate owned by Lord Lampton . At one time it was called the Lambton Lion Park . Yes there were real lions in County Durham!

I am surrounded by stunning countryside and I love that my garden is full of beautiful birds,including Woodpeckers, Kestrals, and Sparrow Hawks. 

The estate also breeds Pheasants for the shoots they run, so there are always pheasants wandering about my garden, being noisy buggers, but looking very pretty. 

There is a family of rabbits that live at the bottom of my garden – my cat Moo unfortunately enjoys catching and bringing back to the house their baby offspring at this time of the year. – I have had to rescue four so far, three didn’t make it and I had to call the RSPCA to get another 🙁

I have put a louder bell on her collar in the hope it will stop her catching them. 

There are also some squirrels in the tree in next door’s garden. I love to watch them scurrying about in the trees.They like to sneak across my garden early in the morning and pinch the bird food from my other neighbour’s bird feeder. 

In late Summer the squirrels can been seen running across my garden on two legs, carrying ripe apples in their forepaws, that have fallen from my neighbours apple tree. 

My garden 💜

When we arrived at Penshaw tea rooms (which is underneath Penshaw Monument ), my friend was in awe of the beautiful surroundings. 

The cafe includes a small nursery and they also sell some gorgeous animal wood carvings for your garden. 

My friend and I sat with a coffee and had a gorgeous lunch of panninis (his sweet chilli chicken, mine was BBQ pulled pork and cheese).

The panninis were crispy, stuffed to the brim and came with salad, coleslaw and crisps. They were gorgeous! 

We followed up with some cake. I don’t know what it was called, (they have a huge selection), but it was delicious! It was sort of bits of Mars bar, with chunks of meringue and a toffee angel delight style filling. 

It. Was. To. Die. For! 

We must have been there for about three hours. We talked about how I’d been feeling on my new meds. Somehow we got on to my wild late teens and twenties and the 90s. How I spent the Millenium New Year at a dance party at the Millenium Dome in London.

Me aged 19 clutching my Zippy backpack 💜

 

I’ve done some crazy and silly things in my time, it was so much fun to reminisce. 

My twenties were far from perfect – I was very ill and had a complete break down at the age of 19/20, not the best start – but somehow even that terrible time is now surrounded with the warm glow of past memories. 

Talking about those times, made me smile, laugh, and feel a teeny bit sad too. After all they are mostly things I am unable to do now. It was a good thing overall though. 

It was so nice to laugh and talk for few hours, and in such a great setting. I am so, so lucky to have a boss, and a friend as supportive with my health as he is. The company I work for have been so amazing too and I know how very lucky I am. A lot of people aren’t so lucky to have that support. 

Yesterday was so positive. I am hopeful it will continue. 

Thank you for reading

Love love love 💜

The Faraway Girl